Yoni massage is one of the most healing practices that you can offer your lover.
Would you like to give yourself a yoni massage? Check out this article instead.
So many women in the world have experienced sexual trauma of some kind: either outright sexual assault, or even having sex over and over when she didn't really want to, or didn't enjoy it. Even small violations add up, and can make a woman's yoni closed off, even to a partner she loves and desires.
A yoni massage is a way to offer your lover healing and restorative touch. A yoni massage is something you offer with no strings attached. This is a practice that is simply focused on her, and it's important to go in with a clear intention: you will offer this massage as a way of healing your lover (and/or giving her pleasure).
It's very important not to allow her to pleasure you after her yoni massage.
This is because women are programmed to give pleasure; it can be very hard for us to simply receive. You want to help her understand that she is worth pleasuring, without a need for tit-for-tat, returning the favor. Plus, she will likely be processing trauma throughout and after her yoni massage. Schedule a give-and-take pleasure session for another time, and allow her yoni massage to be a space where she doesn't have to worry or feel pressure about returning the favor.
If you can simply give a yoni massage without asking for anything in return, knowing that you are helping her process trauma and setting her up for more pleasure in the future, you'll be one of the best lovers she has ever had.
How to Give Your Lover a Yoni Massage
First, ask.
At a time when things aren't sexual but you're feeling cozy together, ask your lover if she would like a yoni massage. Discuss it: let her know you've read that it can help her integrate trauma, understand her pleasure better, and be able to better understand and communicate what she does and doesn't like during sex. If she says yes, set a date for the hour-long session. (She can read more about massaging her own yoni here, if that’s more interesting to her.)
Note: Before starting, remember to keep your ego completely out of the yoni massage. Set an intention to be patient, and treat her yoni with curiosity, as if you've never touched it. If she doesn't like a touch and she tells you so, treat that as a gift—what she doesn't like is also information for better sex. Remember that women are trained to act as though everything feels good, and that's damaging for both partners.
Get some coconut oil and set the scene.
Set aside 30 minutes to an hour to give you lover the yoni massage. You'll want coconut oil (or another oil her yoni really likes—most lubes contain unnatural, inorganic ingredients that can be irritating), your clean fingers, and a soft nest where she can be comfortable.
Allow her to lie down, and you’ll sit facing her, with your legs under hers. The space between your genitals will form a diamond. You might want your back up against a wall and some pillows for comfort as you stroke.
Touch her entire body.
Use the oil and slowly give attention to her breasts, belly, and inner thighs. Don't rush. Experiment with different touches and pressures. Give her entire body slow attention for about five minutes before exploring her yoni.
Ask questions often.
"Would you like me to touch you softer? Harder?"
"How's this speed? Would you like me to go slower or faster?"
If she says "that's fine," or "that's good" to every question, ask her to feel further into her body and make a request. Make sure you give her the opportunity to direct you, and feel into her experience.
Encourage her to breathe deeply, and make sound when she needs to. Let her know that she can make any sounds that release tension, and they don't have to be pornographic or sexy. Sound and breath can be very healing, and it can sound like roaring, laughing, moaning or crying.
Move to her yoni.
As she feels ready, move your hands down to your vulva. Begin with slow, long strokes down the outer labia lips. Re-oil your fingers if you like. Move from the top of the outer lips, down past the vaginal opening, along the perineum and over the buttocks. Use these long, grounding strokes, with a comfortable amount of firm pressure. Check in with her around pressure and speed often.
Go slower than you think you should go, and feel the pleasure in your hands.
Any time you get up in your head about “doing it right” or find yourself distracted, slow down and really feel into your fingers. Touch her in a way that actually feels pleasurable to your fingertips—not your mind or your genitals. Are you getting turned on and rushing to the next step? Or, are you rushing to the next step because you're uncomfortable or scared? Slow down. As the yoni massage giver, breathe deep, watch her micro-movements and body language, and feel into your own experience.
As her body begins to open and soften …
Begin to vary your strokes. For 3-5 minutes each, try these strokes and holds. Remember to ask about pressure and speed each time you switch.
1) Cup her vulva with both hands. Put your palm over her clitoris, with your fingers resting on her pubic bone. Rest the other hand on top. Check in around whether she likes a firm hug or a gentle hold.
2) Use the pads of three fingers over her entire clitoral area, not focusing on on the clitoris yet. Use lube. Press gently into this area, and rub in a circular motion, not taking your fingers up and off, but pressing in and around. Ask about pressure and speed.
3) Use your pointer and ring finger to create “scissors.” With plenty of lube, nestle her clitoris into the space near the “web” of your fingers, allowing your fingers to drape down outside of her inner labia (the lips). Gently but firmly grab the lips between the two fingers, and try strokes up and down, or slowly pull out. Use lots of lube and check in.
4) Cup her vulva with one hand, and apply firm pressure to her clitoris, rubbing in circles with your palm.
5) When and if she becomes more turned on, ask if she’d like you to enter her. If she says yes, simply place a finger at the entrance of her vagina. Keep your other hand draped over her pubic mound. Go incredibly slow, waiting for her body to open and invite you inside. Go 10 times slower than you think you should, inching your finger in gently.
6) Once inside, continue to go slow. This is a great time to dearmour her vagina, which helps her release stored emotions, tensions and wounding. You can do this by picturing her vagina as a clock, and pressing gently into 12 o clock for 30 seconds, then 3, then 6, then 9 o clock. Ask about pressure at each point. Try pressure first in the first third of the vagina (the entrance), then a bit deeper, then deeper still. Only with her full-body consent, of course.
Vaginal dearmouring is a beautiful practice. Encourage her to breathe deep, and to let out sounds of any kind, to really let her body move the energy. She might want to move her hips, punch her fists, or beat a pillow as well. The more energy and emotion she moves, the more pleasure there is on the other side.
7) Next, try locating her g-spot. Most of the skin on the anterior (belly-button side) of her vagina will be smooth, but when you feel about 1 - 2.5 inches in, you’ll feel an area with more ridges. This is her g-spot. Some women love to have their g-spots touched; for some women it is painful or will make her feel like she has to pee. If it is uncomfortable or painful, ask if she would like to have this spot dearmoured. You’ll use the same pressing-in technique, just to the point of discomfort, never pain. Again, encourage her to breathe and sound.
8) Finish with another vulva hold, or freestyle for a little while, using her favorite strokes. Breathe together, and let her choose what’s next: snuggling or taking some time to talk about the process. Thank one another for the opportunity for this kind of intimacy.
Make sure not to move into sex or reciprocal touch right away.
Allow her to just receive this pussy massage. Women have it tangled up, that they can never just receive, that it always has to be tit for tat. This effects women’s ideas of their own worthiness and deservingness.
There is definitely a time for you to receive a penis massage or yoni massage, and if you like, schedule that in for another day. The more you work on your lover’s sexuality through practices like yoni massage, the more desire they will have: the more affection, love and care you’ll be shown. It’s a beautiful practice for building intimacy for a couple and empowerment for women.
Have questions? Ask me anything here.
And if you’d like more resources on yoni massage, vaginal dearmouring, and women’s empowerment, feel free to check out my offerings and coaching packages.