This too shall pass.
This Persian phrase, originally used by Sufi poets Rumi and Attar, never landed for me, in all the years I heard it.
You see, I was a master at recycling emotion. At looping, as we call it in the nervous system regulation world. Looping is when you are stuck outside your range of regulation, turning over a series of thoughts and feelings that go on without end.
A good example of looping would be replaying the end of a romantic relationship, wondering incessantly and intensely if there’s a chance at getting back together. Or getting into an argument with your mother, replaying the argument over and over, and maybe this time saying the right thing, or a more hurtful thing.
Some of us spend most of our time looping. Our nervous system has never been given the chance to discharge the energy stuck inside, or to get enough soothing, rest and stabilization to move away from the loop: the chronic thoughts and tension that can make it hard to sleep at night.
Back to “this too shall pass.”
When we have a larger range of regulation, we can move out of looping. We can complete what’s called a wave.
A wave is the arc of emotion.
We move through waves of emotion, and they naturally end, just like waves in water. It might be a long or large wave; it might small or soft. We might move through one or twelve, depending on the amount of grief or pain we’re in.
Often when I work with clients—and this used to be my experience as well—I hear things like, “I’ll die if I feel that.” “I don’t want to go there, what if I never come back?”
We have such strong emotions, and we’ve had such terrible experiences feeling trapped by our emotions, that we’re deathly afraid to be with them.
If this is your experience, I see you. Because I used to recycle emotion rather than allow myself to truly feel something, with support, and move through it, I thought that consciously feeling emotion was a terrible idea. I felt TOO MUCH. ALL THE TIME. Why in the world would I try to feel hard things on purpose?
So when I heard things like “this too shall pass,” I thought, “yeah, right.”
I have a couple of tips for you, the next time big emotions come up, and you feel the urge to either avoid them, or put on the saddest song you’ve ever heard and toil in them (another way to recycle emotion).
The best thing you can do is seek support, like a therapist or a coach. I don’t say this because I am a coach, but because in my own 15 year healing and whole-ing journey, I have found that I can access deeper healing anytime I’m with another regulated human who is giving me compassion and presence. This is co-regulation, and it’s honestly the best salve when you’re ailing.
If you’re by yourself, give yourself a time frame and privacy to feel your emotions. Maybe it’s a 30 minute bath. Maybe it’s 10 minutes in your parked car. Set your timer as a signal to your unconscious that this wave of feeling will indeed end.
Note if you can access witness consciousness. This means, can I notice that there is a part of me with an intense feeling. And there is also the part of me who sees the one with intense feeling.
Let’s bring out two pillows or two chairs for a moment: sit on a pillow and be the one with the feelings for a minute or so. Now, hop off, sit on the other pillow, and be the one who can see that one with the feelings. How do you want to treat the one suffering? As this witness, who we might also call the adult you, can you offer your love and compassion? Can you say things like, “I see how hard this is. It makes sense that you’re so upset. I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
Once you offer empathy as the witness, go back to the other pillow and feel your feelings again. You may find these two roles bleed together a bit, but always come back to being the compassionate witness.
Is your mind busy with what you should have done, what he/she said, or how you were wronged? Or maybe how terrible or bad you were? Sometimes these states last a few days, when we’re triggered. Give yourself compassion and permission to be triggered. What helps here is soothing and distracting, to some degree. You might watch your favorite show, cuddle with a pet, journal, pray or do rituals, check the astrology and see how the transits are battering you—whatever helps you change focus and chill out.
Need help feeling into your emotions without getting stuck? I love supporting you, and teaching reparenting/inner child work, as well as somatic tools for moving forward. You can schedule a free discovery call here.
