Lately I’ve been experiencing an inability to find my pleasure during conscious masturbation.
My desire hasn’t suffered; I still feel desire for self-pleasure and for my partner, as well as those lovely little pings of tingly arousal that seem to happen every five minutes when I’m in the maiden part of my cycle. My libido is definitely online!
But accessing pleasure during self-pleasure (aka masturbation) … that’s been harder. It’s almost like there’s been a veil over my pleasure—like it exists just out of my reach.
Even though I love the tenets of tantra (slowing down, being present with my sensation and emotions, breathing deeply, sounding to move energy), I’m a student of them for a reason. It’s my habituated way of being to push during sexual encounters—even when I’m by myself.
To push for more pleasure.
To push for an orgasm.
To push for an epic and transcendental experience.
And when we push … we can inhibit ourselves from fully experiencing the pleasure in the moment. Such a paradox!
Have you ever had an orgasm that you’ve judged as not big enough while you’re having it?! Oh girl. I’ve been there. And judgment closes everything down. It takes you away from the sensation in your body.
Here’s what I’m doing to gently get back on track. If you’re not feeling a lot of pleasure in your own sex life, feel free to use these steps or reach out for coaching.
We often think pleasure only looks one way, and it can look so many different ways. This is pleasure: fluffy blankets, comfort, stretching, stroking your own face.
Start self-pleasure with deep breathing and movement.
The purpose of this is to move from your busy life, from whatever it is you’re doing … into a space of being present with the sensations of your body. This helps you drop into your internal world, and even flirt with yourself. Try breathing in and out of your mouth with no pauses between the breaths. Put on two sexy songs (I love music by Rhye and Glass Animals), and move slowly, in a way that feels good to your body.
If dancing isn’t your thing, try sitting cross-legged and moving your spine in small circles, or doing the same thing on all fours. Sensuously, while staying present with how your body feels.
Now start a full-body massage with a skin-friendly oil.
Now turn your attention to your sensations even more. Lie down and stroke your face, massage your scalp, tickle your neck. Focus on creating pleasure. If you run into resistance, you might even want to repeat a couple of times: I am worthy of deep daily pleasure.
Scoop up some oil in your hands. Give yourself a breast massage, a belly massage, an inner thigh rub. Ask yourself, how could I make this 5% more pleasurable? Explore and find out.
When you’re ready and when it feels right, begin to stroke your vulva and clitoris.
Keep focusing on pleasure … what kind of touch feels pleasurable in this moment? Is it hot and heavy, slow like honey, gentle and barely touching your skin? You might feel lust now; you might feel a whisper of pleasure; you might feel nothing.
If there’s frustration, sorrow or pushiness present, make a noise.
Feel into that emotion on your inhale, and on your exhale, let it go. Roar. Scream. Cry. Let your noise surprise you. Let it be authentic and real. Sounding truly helps move stuck energy and emotion from your system.
Come back to touching your yoni if that feels good in this moment.
Keep following the breadcrumbs of pleasure, being careful not to push. Remember to keep your breath deep and full, focusing on the sensations in your body. When emotions arise, amplify them with your sound. When pleasure arises, do the same thing.
You might choose to follow this process all the way to orgasm, or you might choose to feel into your yoni’s needs. Does she want to be entered? Is she desiring just to be held, to not have to perform or feel a certain way in this moment?
As you end your session, imagine you can spread any pleasure all over your body and drink any feelings of pleasure deep into your cells.
Even if you didn’t have an orgasm, honor yourself. Give yourself a hug or more body massage. Everything you experienced is okay, is normal, and is a step on the pathway to more pleasure.
Allowing ourselves not to orgasm can be very healing.
It can be frustrating at first, but it also allows our yoni (and ourselves) to have any experience she’s having. The less we push, the more we can heal our relationships with our vulvas and wombs. And the more healing that happens, the more pleasure is available.
The most important thing? Celebrate. Celebrate any pleasure you did feel. Celebrate that you showed up. Give yourself self-compassion in the ways you know how.
Make 30-minute dates with yourself for self-pleasure, once or twice per week. Start with music, dance, deep breath and full-body massage. Play music, set intentions for pleasure or healing, light a candle, dance in front of a mirror … make it a self-honoring ritual, and watch your pleasure expand.
If you need help around anything that arises in your journey to more pleasure, please fill out an application for coaching. I’d love to support you in having a fulfilling, beautiful sex life—with yourself and/or your partner!