My current partner is the first person
that I had first-time sober sex with
since I was 17 years old.
As in, for nearly twenty years, I never had sex the first time (or few times) with someone without being drunk or on a cocktail of drugs (rx or illicit). With most partners, the need for alcohol wore off after a while. With others, I chose to keep checking out a bit with Xanax or Klonopin. It was easier for me to orgasm when I took these drugs, and easier for me to please others.
We’re a culture that uses alcohol and drugs to self-express: to allow the wild, to allow our desires, to dance all night, to create a haze over the true vulnerability that it takes to take off our clothes and merge with another human being.
On the flip side, we might use to dissociate a bit, to indulge in things we might say no to if we were fully inside ourselves, to fulfill that request from a lover that makes us a little queasy otherwise.
Sex that first time, sober, was incredibly confronting.
Though I was far along in my healing journey, it forced me to see the spaces where I’d been pushing myself to do too much, too soon, with someone new.
All those years I thought I was some kind of sex ninja. I was compulsive, I rushed things, and because of previous trauma, changing my mind or saying no wasn’t really an option.
It turns out I’m a slow burn. It turns out I just want to make out for a while. It turns out for me to get completely, truly naked with you, I need deep breaths, hands on open hearts, pauses, laughter and deep connection.
I’d like to say that all of this could happen in one wild, connected night, but I honestly don’t know anymore. It seems my body needs a lot of time now, to trust, to feel in, to open to another person.
It’s also worth saying that penetrative sex doesn’t have to be our end game.
We’re socialized into thinking we have to go all the way as soon as we start making out. And we don’t.
Reach out if you’d like support moving from fast sex to slow sex, from inebriated to sober sex, from a long-time habit to something new.
I’ll be the first to say sex coaching is a weird term, but the container I hold is deep, compassionate and present—I’m here to help you uncover your natural blueprint of health. With gentle guidance, I’ll lead you to your own intuition and your own authentic expression of sexuality, in a way that it trauma-informed (i.e. I check in with your boundaries and consent often, and we go at a pace that is attuned to your limits and nervous system).
Check out coaching here, fill out the application, and we can meet for a free 40-minute consultation, no strings attached.